I wrote this when I was going through a hard time. It’s graphic. So, enjoy the read.
I keep thinking about your hands on her body. I keep thinking about you touching her. You inside her. How could you? How could you do this to me? I could have been your everything. I really could have. I made you smile, and laugh. I bought you presents and rubbed your back. We didn’t have to have sex to be satisfied. I gained so much pleasure just lying in your arms. But we did, we did have sex. We had great sex. It was passionate and loving. Wasn’t that enough for you? Were you still not satisfied? You had to go and lead this other girl on? You had to take off her clothes, kiss her, and put on a condom, you had to be inside her too? You didn’t stop. Did you keep going? Did you finish the job? How could you? Every time you kissed me, didn’t you think of how you kissed someone else? Every time you took off my clothes, didn’t you think of how you did this to someone else? Every time you entered me, didn’t you think of how you did the exact same thing with her? My body is shaking. I can’t stand this. This is all I think about- you on top of her, you inside her, you kissing her. Did you tell her you love her? Everything was a lie to me. You just lie. You can’t stop. You’re a liar and you’re sick. How could you live with yourself? How, I want to know. You destroyed me. You destroyed everything. You’re losing people, one by one. You’re losing your grip. I can’t believe you. I can’t. How could you do this to me? I never thought about even touching another person. I even asked you, “Have you ever thought about having sex with somebody else?” And you said yeah, but you didn’t say her name, it was somebody else. Geez, you’re sick. It’s disgusting. These thoughts won’t stop. Stop lying. Stop lying. It’s disgusting. Stop lying to her and me. Your games just dig you a deeper grave. Don’t you realize that? Karma is going to come back to you so hard. So stop your games now. Leave her alone. Just stop. No more. Stop spending time with her. That’s disgusting. So fucking disgusting. You still spend time with her, you look at her and you don’t feel guilty. Are you aware that you had a girlfriend? She loved you. She waited for you. All she wanted was you and you fucked her up. You fucked her over. You fucking ruined her and you’re sick. You could have had her. You could have just been happy with her. Were you just unsatisfied? Was she not pretty enough? Not cute enough, not sexy enough? Did you not like her body, or the way it moved? Did you not like touching her, holding her? Was she not good enough? Was she too young, too weak? You’re a cheat. You let her suffer for months and months. You never told her. You just watched her suffer and cry. You watched her crumble and you kept hurting her. You kept playing with her and you kept lying to her. Tell me the truth. Do you have feelings for the other girl? Do you want her? Do you think of her that way? If you do, then leave me alone. Just leave me alone. Stop fucking lying to me for once. If you don’t, then keep her out of your life. How could you let someone walk all over us. How could you do that. You made me feel like shit, thinking I was the one hurting this relationship. Thinking it was all my fault that I was speaking to an ex. You had sex with another girl. Twice. God, it hurts so much. I’m so sick. What hurts most is the betrayal. I trusted you. I never worried about you with somebody else because I trusted you. I let it all slip by because I trusted you. But the whole time, you did it. You fucked her. My body hurts. I feel like somebody took all my breath away. Then they caught it in a jar, shut it tightly, and put it in front of me. I fell like I’m watching someone take my life away and I can’t do anything about it. I can’t catch my breath. I can’t catch myself. You changed so much. What happened to you. You’re so awful now. You’re disgusting. You’re rude. You get mad all the time. You’re cold, and heartless. You let people influence you. You lost control over everything. Your grip slipped. I took care of you. I tried and tried. I feel like I wasted all this time on you, but I know I didn’t. I’m not that cold. I’m not that mean. I have a heart. I know what the right thing is. All this pain you put me through, all the heartache and betrayal, it’ll just make me stronger. I’ll be a stronger person. I won’t need anybody. You abandoned me. I wanted my boyfriend but he was gone. You just left me, alone. I have hardly cried. I’m just angry and numb. I sat in the bath today and I cried. I tried to sink under the water and hold my breath. I pressed my hands against the side to keep me down. My feet started kicking but I pressed them to the bottom of the tub. Suddenly the tub got larger and it was swallowing me. It didn’t hurt at all. It was just like somebody stealing my breath. I wanted it to be stolen. I didn’t want to do this anymore. Then I felt nothing. I remember the blackness of my eyelids and I remember my body shaking. Then I felt nothing. If death feels like anything, it’s nothing. Absolutely nothing. But it wasn’t absolutely nothing. My eyes opened and my body was squirming. I didn’t understand where I was or what I was doing. But I felt it. My mouth was open. Water kept going in my mouth and my throat hurt. My head popped up and I started to cough. I coughed and I heard my mom knock on the door. And I jumped out of the tub. I stared at the sink and before I knew it the water came out so quickly. It felt like hours, standing there while the water poured out and I coughed. I finally caught my breath. My mom had stopped knocking. Then I laid down on the floor, naked. I felt the cold tile hug my body. Goosebumps appeared. My body felt numb. I reached for my face but I couldn’t feel my palm brush my cheek. Now I know what it’s like to feel absolutely nothing without being dead. And that’s all because of you.
