February 2011
15 posts
Deep breathing.
Her glow remained but her spirit could never be tamed and her broken heart will never be regained. She’d struggle, trying to fill the void. She’d struggle, trying to find a balance between falling and running, escaping from the pain. Men from across the land would offer their hand but she’d say, “It’s not the same”. She’d save up her money, and gather her...
Anonymous asked: Everything will be.
Anonymous asked: Everything will be okay, now.
Anonymous asked: Everything will be perfect.
She tries to act wiser than her years so then she can never feel inferior. She doesn’t want to be held captive or last picked. She’s a needle in a hay stack, rare but desperate for attention. She tries to dress modest, not for the men but you catch her showing some skin. The bareness of her hips and you can tell she’s desiring from within. She claims she doesn’t sin, but...
January 2011
93 posts
She cries every night, Puts up a fight, blocks out the words she hears, cleans away those nasty tears. He’s the only guy who brings out the fear. She turns to a nonexistent god for her only hope, afraid she can’t even cope. When that man tells her she’s not worth living, she feels like her best shot is not worth giving.When she kicks and screams, he responds in a manner that...
I wish the medication would work sooner
I’m already overusing the anxiety pills. Yeah, I have multiple anxiety attacks in one day my medical professionals.
I just sit and stare. I have no energy for anything. I just stare.
I haven’t spoken to you since Tuesday. You’re gone. It’s like a death.
It’s hard trying to realize and accept the fact that you might be addicted to sex. That maybe there is something psychology wrong with you. That this is your outlet from the chaos- sex.
We haven’t spoken since Tuesday.
I can hardly breathe right now. These pills don’t do anything. I’m so frustrated.
You fucking abandoned me.
Now you’re nineteen.
Not too long...
It all started with a boy. He in a sense, created and then broke everything. From my childhood, I felt like people were taking pieces from me. They kept taking and taking them, one by one. I watched them walk off with those pieces of me, stomp on them, crush them, abandon them. That’s when I finally closed myself off, kept the pieces secure. And it started with that boy, who took the last...
I promised my girl everything simply because she was my everything. I said where’s our car when it was my name on the insurance. I said let’s go home when my house was only a place of violence. I said I’ll go get you because hurting yourself is hurting me. You said why you so good to me. And I said because you’re my girl. Now age didnt matter because you were cool with me....
110.
I need 110 dollars for the CHSPE. And the deadline is February 14th. Hopefully I can pull the money together. Then I’m hoping I’ll pass and will be in city by fall :) That’d be so nice. I can just, get away get away get away.
Move out by summer, but I have to find some roommates and a job.
Do you really want to get to know me better
you can see me falling apart under the pressure
nobody wants to get to know a girl
who compulses and screams in her best dress
who can’t even keep her clothes on
because she trusted the man who knew her best
she thought love was the most beautiful thing in the world
she was that hopeful, faithful, never gonna leave you kind of girl
she...
I saw a therapist today. He was black with an accent. Cool.
I got put on anti depressants. And pills for anxiety. I guess I have to cope with this.
Do you really want to get to know me better.
Well. You continued to have sex and pursue me. But now it’s done. I hope you’re ready to lie in your grave.
Tested.
Yes, oh yes, I finally got tested. I peed in a cup, yes, oh yes.
I had horrible anxiety attacks all morning. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop crying. I wanted to disappear from everything, everywhere.
I wish I could run. Run, run, run.
I can’t explain my feelings but misery sums it up pretty well. I want to cry, all, day every day. Today it has officially been a month since we have broken up. Every day the pain gets worse. I can’t even fathom my future.
Watching Shawshank Redemption :)
I turned on my shower, sat in my tub, pulled my knees up to my face, and bawled.
Knew it.
I knew this would happen. The night we spent together was so heartwarming and lovely. And of course, I would want more. I’d want to spend the next night, then the next, every night. But I know I can’t. And now the nights of being alone in my bed hurt. But I went, what, two/three weeks of sleeping alone? I guess I have to get used to it, and move on. Or cut emotional ties completely.
...
Pancakes
I finally saw Jaime :) I felt happiness I haven’t felt in so long. I didn’t care about anything. I couldn’t stop smiling. We were so passionate and happy. I remember falling alseep and the nightmares though. I’d wake up with Jaime pulling me close, rubbing my back and telling me, “It’s okay”. It feels like such a blur, but I remember. We got McDonalds in...
The pain is creeping behind me. It’s allowing me to breathe but I can feel it lingering, waiting to attack. But I have hope. I want to be okay again. I have a therapy appointment next week. Tomorrow is filled with tests so I just need to keep my head in the game. This time, I can’t get consumed in the game. I have to win :)
I still have my period, which is strange. It’s not...
CPS came to my house today. Man. She didn’t speak to me. My parents are mad. There’s so much tension.
I can’t believe someone made referrals to CPS. Maybe someone was trying to help, but in essence they’re only hurting me.
Hopefully this is the end, and I can move on.
Dear,
The world.
How can you witness me fall apart, crumble, and suffer in silence, and not offer me any condolence? Not a smile, not a hug? I don’t like hugs, but it would be so nice if someone went out of there way to show me some love. People, who I thought were my friends, pass me by like I’m a stranger. They can tell I need a friend, but they turn their backs. How can you be so...
Anxiety.
I think I had an anxiety attack. I panicked and started texting for people, then I went through my address book, and the name I stopped at and hit call was, “Jessica”. She instantly made me feel better. I was bawling insanely. I felt so embarrassed but she talked me through it. Her voice was so kind and she is such a beautiful soul. I feel better, refreshed. These moments of anxiety...
The depression is so strong. I can’t stand this. I can’t. I’m bawling right now. Nothing is making me so sad, it just comes and goes. Today a social worker visited me. It was so embarassing. She said she was going to talk to my parents and go to my house. I can’t believe this. Things keep getting worse. I thought they were going to be okay but now these people are trying to...
I want to crawl into your arms and feel them wrap around me and your lips meet my head. I smile. I always smile. I want to feel your body against mine, our legs intertwined. I miss you. I want to feel you.
Can I just scream.
I need new slapsssssssss.
Musical inspiration pls?
The consumption.
My long time friend(I’ve known her since we were 8/9) has been staying over for about two days. Even thought I’ve always had fun with her, I can’t seem to now. I want to have alone time to cry, sleep, or just sit there and read. I don’t want to speak or have fun. I want to stare and take pills. She keeps saying, “What happened to you? Why are you so down? Why...
Keep this in mind, one day, there's going to be a...
(via simplysierra)
Okay, first of all, I was the one who wrote this and it has thousands of notes and I probably just filled a bunch of girl’s minds with hope. If so, GOOD. But keep this in mind, THIS MAN IS GOING TO PUT YOU THROUGH AND HE WILL CAUSE YOU SO MUCH PAIN. Do not give yourself completely to someone. Chances are, the love of your life will end up having sex with another girl for...
The Final Countdown.
I think we should stop speaking. I’m always going to have these expectations and hopes that won’t be fulfilled. I’m going to wait around for something to happen, but nothing will. You are right. I deserve better than you. I do deserve someone who will never stop loving me and who will do anything to make me happy. You don’t care about me the way I thought you did. I keep...
Words can’t explain how horrible I feel right now. I can’t stop crying. I’m taking deep breaths. I can hardly breathe.goddamn.
I miss you.
I miss you, so much. When boys ask me out, to hang out, go on a date, or even be their girlfriend, my automatic response is disgust. I always tell them I have you, you’re in college, I’m very devoted but they never believe me. I say he will annihilate you, trust me. And they try to act all tough. But I’m serious. I hate when they laugh at me like I’m a little girl and I...
My weight.
I lost ten pounds in one week, but now it’s been two weeks of overeating and I’ve gained fifteen. I have a tummy now that I struggle to suck it. I can feel my weight getting heavier. I eat all day now. I have a snack, like a poptart, in class. Then I eat lunch at school, a chicken sandwich and maybe some chips. Then I go home and I eat, I have a full meal. A few hours later, I have...
I audition for the play today :)
It was fun. I love the environment and the people. I just got home and I’m exhausted. My depression is so overwhelming. It hit me while I was auditioning and I was struggling to shake it off. I keep feeling the need to move on from Jaime, but I can’t fight the will to stay. I want to stay forever. I want him to heal the pain. I want more. I want bliss again, but all I can feel is...
4 weeks.
It feels like forever. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be depressed for your entire life. I can hardly go through a month of this. I feel so weak. I want to give up. I want to run away from the pain.
I am getting tired of this.
I hate being depressed. I hate that people keep trying to tell me what’s wrong with me and what to do. Nothing’s wrong with me. I’m just sad, I’m just depressed. It hurts so much. All I want to do is cry. I want to curl up in a ball and cry by myself. The pain is unbearable. I can’t stop the thoughts. My brain hurts, my mind hurts. I’m miserable. I can’t...
Today is my anniversary.
Darling, I miss you. We didn’t get to do anything because I had so much work and we both lack in the transportation department. Why must you live so far? Today I read a letter my friend wrote to her boyfriend. It was for the 11 months or one year. We were right letters like that when we first started dating. Our letters are always consumed with “My heart will always beat for...
She was breaking, but she held on tight. That's...
I can see the scars on my wrists. I completely regret cutting them and I feel stupid for doing that. But I can see all the marks from where I stabbed myself with pens or needles. I feel like such a freak. I want to cry but I forgot how. All I do is stare.
Today I was diagnosed with depression.
I’m being sent to a doctor and assigned an ongoing therapist. I thought I’d feel better about getting help, but I’m not. Not one bit. I wish Mrs. Rios never walked me to the library, but I know she means well.
I don’t want to see a therapist. I don’t want to see anybody. I just want to hurt myself.